Summer Vacation

Total weight loss so far: 95.5lbs

Once again...I suck at updating my blog...but I figure ya'll can just enjoy my random surprise posts. You don't want to read about my day to day activities...I'm really not that exciting.

Things are nuts right now but its almost all positive! I was offered a 6th grade teaching position and I couldn't be more excited (or unbelievably nervous) about it! I have always wanted to teach and I am finally getting the opportunity! I am currently on a 6 week break and then I start my new job full time on July 29th. I was working 3 jobs for awhile and then 2...so its nice to have some time off. I have a lot of preparing to do for the school year and I am trying really hard to get my head on straight about a few things.

I am both thrilled with my weight loss and disappointed that I haven't made it further in the over two years that I've been at this. I am grateful that I have never given up. I am excited that I am so close to having a one at the beginning of my weight instead of a two. I am happy to say that I can no longer wear "plus size" shirts and I can purchase pants at most regular retailers. I started my journey wearing a size 26 jean...I am currently sitting between a size 14 and 16. I am proud that I am doing this in a way that I can live with forever. This is not temporary. This has not been a quick fix.

That being said...I so desperately want to be under 200lbs it almost hurts. I still struggle with making the best choices (though it does get easier as time goes on). I still have not managed to make the gym and exercise a habit. I think the exercise is what angers me the most. I still make excuses. I still find "better" things to do. I am working on it but what I wouldn't give for it to be easy.

But I guess none of this has been easy. There have been happy days, miserable days, hard days, and days that I just gave up. But I know that I won't stop.

My goal for my break (other than prepping for my classroom and trying not to panic about it) is to really focus on healthy choices (not just staying within my points) and really focusing on getting my exercise in check. I know that I can hit my 100lb goal by the time I go back to work if I really push myself!

Hot Mess

I was a HOT MESS last week.

I weighed myself and tracked it in my WW tracker but honestly...I do not want to post it.

All I can say is, I am back on track and moving forward. I hit the gym today and look forward to it the rest of the week.

That is all.

Weigh In 2/18/13

Weight loss this week: 1.1 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 88.7 lbs

I am thrilled that I lost because I struggled this week.

I had two days of over-indulgence...Valentine's Day being absolutely awful. I reverted to fat kid status and heavily indulged in pizza and bread sticks and cinnamon sticks and ice cream. Bad news.

Top that off with only 2 days at the gym...I thought I was done for.

I am hoping that I have a better week. I had a lapse of judgement with some donuts yesterday (I had the day off and...well...bad news bears) but I did well outside of that and today was good too. I am worried about the gym...I didn't go yesterday or today. I will find a way to exercise tomorrow but it may not be the gym (I have book club right after work so it'll depend on what time that ends). I will also make sure I go Thursday and Friday at least.

I really would like to be down 90lbs when I go to California on the 1st. That only leaves me with really one week to hit that...I need to lose 1.3lbs by Monday...so we'll see what happens. I just think it would be amazing to see my family and tell them that I've lost 90lbs! Last time I saw all of them, I was down 50lbs...almost double that is pretty sweet.

I'm just continuing to push through and work to not allow bad moments to derail me completely.

Weigh In 2/11/13

Weight loss this week: 1.1 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 87.6 lbs

I am super excited that I lost this week. I didn't hit the gym at all with the exception of meeting with the trainer (which didn't really count as exercising so much as designing my plan). I was on point for the most part throughout the week with food and I am thrilled that I continue inching closer to my goal.

I am only 11.5 lbs away from being under 200 lbs and I am so anxious. I am obviously excited...but I am also quite nervous. I honestly have no clue how long its been since I was under 200 lbs. I feel like I'm becoming a totally different person and I am worried people will respond negatively towards that. Which is so silly...because I have THE MOST supportive family and friends out there!!! I think such big changes, even when they are over time, can be scary and I'm starting to feel the effects.

Either way...I am still pushing and still moving forward.

Weigh In 2/4/13

Weight loss this week: 1.8 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 86.5 lbs

I lost...and I'm happy. I hit the gym 3 days last week and did pretty well with eating. I didn't track the party and I know I probably went over on points but thankfully I had the majority of my weeklies left and I was good the rest of the week.

I scheduled an appointment with a personal trainer at my gym for tomorrow night. I have a weight lifting program but I'm really not happy with it. I don't like using weight machines and I'd like to learn some exercises that incorporate weights and toning throughout the whole body. So I'm hopeful that the meeting tomorrow will help push me to incorporate more than just cardio into my routine.

I have had some pretty amazing compliments from people this week. My dad expressed how impressed he is with how much weight I've lost and I've had multiple co-workers and friends comment on the way I look. It reminds me that, while I may not have made it as far as I initially wanted, I have made a lot of progress. I've never given up...I've never walked away. I may have fallen down more times than I can count but I have always gotten back up again. I will continue to push because I know I can do this.

Weigh In 1/28/13

Weight loss this week: +.3lbs
Total weight loss so far: 84.7lbs

"The scale does not define me...the scale does not define me..."

Damn I wanted to lose this week! But I am NOT going to let this define me or my week. I did well with my eating...tracked and ate healthy. I exercised 4 days last week...only 2 days at the gym but walks at night 2 other days. So...instead of letting this minor gain defeat me, I am going to remind myself that I am on a positive path and I acted in a positive manner.

I do have wonder if I am in the middle of a cycle of minor gains then large losses. I won't lie...I am crossing my fingers that I will lose big next week. Because if I look back...I gained .4lbs two weeks ago, then lost 4lbs, then had another small gain this week. So maybe there is a pattern.

I am determined to get in 5 full days of exercise this week. I went for a short walk yesterday because I had a migraine after work. But I hit the gym tonight and I plan on doing so the rest of the week. I did have a slight incident with some homemade cheddar biscuits (damn it, why do I have to be in love with an aspiring cook?!) last night but I am going to stay on point and be extra careful the rest of the week. I am a little nervous for the weekend though. I am meeting a friend for breakfast on Saturday morning and I need to make smart choices and not give in to indulgences. I also am having a party on Saturday night...and parties tend to be difficult for me. Luckily, I'm hosting so I am going to make sure that the snacks and appetizers I prepare are healthy and countable...I just have to watch the wine and the grazing.

Overall, I'm proud of myself for staying on track the last few weeks. I know I will continue on this positive path and only continue to work harder.

Weigh In 1/21/13

Weight loss this week: 4lbs
Total weight loss so far: 85lbs

Thank God!! I am so unbelievably grateful for this loss!

I did well throughout the week with food. I did have a few indulgences over the weekend (my mom was in town and we went out for dinner one night and ice cream the other) but I am extremely proud of the way I handled them. I made sure that I had enough points to cover my cheeseburger and fries for dinner and I opted for low fat frozen yogurt over full fat ice cream. I am thrilled at my choices and control this week.

Exercise was iffy...I went on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was rough day and I ended up spending the evening with Kyle and his family. My mom came to town on Thursday evening and I wound up not hitting the gym as planned. But at least I went twice and my eating was on point.

The new week has started and I plan on having just as good (if not better) of a week with food and increase my number of workouts!

Utterly disappointed...

Weight loss this week: +.4 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 81 lbs

For the first time in a really long time, I don't know why this happened.

I didn't binge...I stayed on point...I tracked everything...I even went to the gym 3 days. So why did I gain?! Yes, I consumed a larger portion of my weekly points than normal (I had a few drinks at Kyle's holiday party last Monday and that cost me 17 points) but I also earned more activity points than I have in months. I even did some weight lifting one day last week!

I know I can't let this upset me...I know that this is part of the process...but damn am I disappointed. I really believed that I would step on the scale this week and be proud of myself for having a week of positive change.

I am not really sure what I need to change...maybe more exercise...maybe watch what kinds of food I'm consuming (even if its within my points). I am going to try really hard to stay positive, stay motivated, and stay on track...

Biggest Loser

Weight loss 12/31/12: +3.5 lbs
Weight loss 1/7/13: .4 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 81.4 lbs

I will quickly address the weigh in information above. The 3.5lb gain was disappointing but not surprising. I had spent two full weeks eating terribly. I was a little bummed because I was completely on point from 12/31-1/7 but only saw a small loss. I didn't work out which I am sure played a part. But I won't beat myself up because a loss is a loss...

Now...on to the reason I felt like blogging tonight...

I decided to watch the first episode of the new season of The Biggest Loser. Now, I have seen this show before and can never decide how I feel about it. I have had friends and family tell me how inspiring it is to them or how motivated it must make me feel. Unfortunately...it has neither an inspiring or motivational effect on me...

The show frustrates me. I mean, don't get me wrong, what these people accomplish is amazing. They drop such a large amount of weight in such a short period of time and it is incredible. But honestly, I find myself more annoyed with the pity and tears and the unrealistic concepts of the show. As they announced who would be chosen to participate this season, I realized that I weighed more when I started Weight Watchers than ANY of the women chosen. The men weigh significantly more but I found it odd that all of the women were under 300lbs. I am not in any way saying that a woman should weigh that much...I just don't know that they properly display the level of obesity that women can hit.

I hate how sorry these people feel for themselves. I have had my fair share of pity parties and have shed more than enough tears about my weight and body image. But these people whine and cry about how hard the workouts are...how stressful it is to be on the show. Well, NO SHIT?! What the hell did you expect. This show has been on for 14 seasons...were you living under a rock? Did you legitimately believe that shedding 20lbs in a week was going to be easy? Give me a damn break!!

I also don't appreciate the unrealistic display of exercise and diet. Sure...anyone could lose weight if they lived in isolation, eating only what a nutritionist approved, and had time to work out multiple times a day for hours on end. But lets be honest...who has that in real life? I have to face the world, restaurants, friends, parties, and the grocery store. I have to purchase my food. I have to work full time and find time to get to the gym while balancing my other responsibilities. I am not complaining or trying to emphasize how hard my life is...because its not. Yes, I have to work hard to make positive choices. But I don't feel underprivileged or at a disadvantage.

I think what I would love to see are people losing weight in a realistic and positive manner. Being taught how to eat and work out in the ways that a normal person has to learn. Learn how to find time to work out or choose the right kinds of food on my own or by doing my own research. I want to watch someone struggle with making healthy choices when eating out with friends instead of choosing to give in to the appetizers and margaritas. It may not be as entertaining or dramatic...but it would be real.

I am going to step off my soapbox now and reiterate that I am not attempting to downplay any person's accomplishments with weight loss. I didn't post this so someone can argue with me about how negative I am and how inspirational these people are (if you are inspired by The Biggest Loser...fantastic! Take that inspiration and run with it...my opinion just doesn't line up with yours). I just need to remind myself that I am not a failure for taking over a year and a half to lose 80lbs. I am learning to live and learning to choose to be a healthier and happier person.