Re-committed...again...

Months on Weight Watchers: 19
Total weight loss as of 12/17/12: 84.5lbs

Okay...so I really hate to look at this as a New Years resolution...I honestly have never bought into those and I feel like they get forgotten by February.

I also realize that I have posted a few "re-commitment" blogs and for that, I am slightly ashamed. 2012 was not by best year. I had some ups and downs, especially with my weight. I would do well for a few days or even a few weeks, but I always sabotaged myself. I'm not really sure where the lax attitude came from...I do know that I have finally recognized a few internal hurdles that I must overcome if I'm going to be successful long-term.

• First...I legitimately MISS eating whatever I want. I love food...and I love food that is bad for me. I love fast food and junk food and alcohol. Years of eating as much as I pleased of anything that I wanted has created an unhealthy mindset about eating.
• Second...I make more excuses for my own bad behavior than acceptable.
• Third...I do not LIKE the gym or exercise. I wanted to pretend that I did...but I don't. Its a chore to me.
• Fourth...I allow the outside world and friends to influence my choices. I know that they aren't making any suggestions or pulling me in any one direction to be malicious. I allow my self to be persuaded.
• Fifth (and last)...I beat myself up for mistakes instead of just focusing on changing my behavior.

Now...here is the re-commitment part (and I know you have heard this before but writing it out helps me feel like its real and accountable)...

Starting 12/31/12, I am back on Weight Watchers full force with no excuses. I WILL weigh and measure EVERYTHING for every snack and every meal.

I will accept my mistakes for what they are...mistakes. I will move forward from them and take honest steps towards not making the same mistakes more than once.

I will stop mourning my inability to eat crap whenever I want. Instead, I will look at my lifestyle change as something positive and take steps to truly enjoy food that is healthy for me (while allowing moderate and measured indulgences on occasion).

I will go to the gym or get at least 30 minutes of exercise in 5 days a week. I will just suck it up. There may not be a huge revelation or change of heart about the gym and I need to accept that. But I also need to accept that exercise is necessary.

I am done making excuses. I am done panicking about having to step on the scale on Mondays. I am done avoiding my blog for fear of judgement of my slip-ups and poor choices.

Here is to a new day...a new year...and continued positive changes...

Fallen Off The Wagon

Weight loss so far: 76.2 lbs

Okay...so maybe "fallen" is giving myself too much credit. Its more like I jumped off the wagon head first into the hard impact of old habits.

I have lost focus, made so many excuses, and I have really started to see my weight loss suffer. I continue to go up and down...continue to see losses but unfortunately they are far between the gains that have reared their ugly heads. I am disappointed with myself and frustrated that I have been participating in Weight Watchers for 1.5 years and I still haven't hit my 100lb loss.

So this is my renewed commitment.

• I am going to start participating in the Weight Watchers program with fidelity and honesty again.
• I am going to stop making excuses and "guestimating".
• I am going to make choices that are good for me and my body.
• I am going to stop allowing myself to be swayed by the outside world and its influences.
• I am going to make a commitment to go to the gym a minimum of 3 times a week.
• I am going to hit my 100lb goal by January 2013.

No more bullshit. No more guilt. 

I know I can do this. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I am making a life change. This is not a punishment but a promise to live well and be healthy and happy.

Past months...

Total weight loss so far: 73.2 lbs

Well, I've clearly been severly neglecting my blog. Do I have an excuse? Absolutely not. But enough of that...

Things have been up and down...week by week I struggle and succeed. I have been getting off track more often than I'd like to admit. I'll do really well during the week but then the weekends hit and I fall off. I snack and don't track. I make excuses for "guesstimating". I just stop really focusing on what is good for me.

I have also been struggling with the gym...still. I have maintained my membership and I still go generally at least once a week. But its been almost 2 months since I've been more than 3 times in a week. I'm not sure why my motivation wanes so easily. I wish I were one of those people who channel their emotions into exercise but I haven't found a way to do that yet. When I'm angry or upset...I want to be alone, pout, and eat. I wish I knew how to change that desire into one for exercise. My boyfriend did just find a job that will require him to work nights. I find that I often make excuses for not going to the gym because I want to spend time with him. I'm hoping that the knowledge of him not being home will help me eliminate the excuses I have to skip the gym. I know its a process...I just wish it all came naturally to me.

Despite it all, I have still managed to lose weight. I just need to really refocus myself and stop allowing the excuses. That is what got me to such a high weight in the first place.

Weigh In #44 and #45

Weight loss week #44: .4lbs
Weight loss this week: 2.7 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 60.7 lbs

Well, I finally made it out of the 50lb loss range which is exciting. I was getting a bit discouraged because I had been working so hard at the gym but seeing such small losses. This week definitely made up for it.

I only went to the gym 3 days last week...not where I would like to be but things got in the way. I plan on doing at least 4 this week (I took yesterday off from work and didn't muster up the motivation to hit the gym but I may try on Saturday after meeting a friend for lunch).

Overall, things are going well. I really need new pants but am poor. My black slacks fall down every few feet and I only have one pair of jeans that even sort of fit still. Hopefully I can find something cheap soon.

Don't have anything else exciting for now...

Weight in #43

Weight loss this week: .2 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 57.6 lbs

I'm bummed...

I know I'm probably retaining water. I know I could possibly be gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat (though I find this unlikely this early in the game). I know it is still a loss so I should be happy.

But I'm bummed...

I feel like I've been hovering in this 50 lb range for months...oh wait...its because I HAVE!!! I know these things happen...I know I need to stick with it...and I know that working out is going to help me shed the weight faster in the long run. I just feel like I'm working my butt off and being relatively good (not always the best choices but I always count everything and stay within my points...I didn't even use my activity points) and not really seeing the results.

Oh well...I have a new week ahead and I will just keep truckin'...

Weigh In #42

Total weight loss this week: .5 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 57.4 lbs

So things are going well...the weight isn't coming off as fast as I would like but I know that it is a process and there will be tough and slow times. But I'm pushing through and am pretty proud of my progress.

Eating has been going well. I've found some new "low" point snacks that have helped me mix up my lunches. I am fallen in love with Parmesean Goldfish, Pretzel Thins, and Wheat Thin Flatbread crackers. They are all 2-3 points per serving and its nice to mix it up a bit. I've also found a few things to help break away from sandwiches and tuna. I love Progresso Light soups...I can eat the whole can of a few of them for 2-4 points and they are super filling. I also like the Healthy Choice Steamers every now and then. I don't want to rely on soups or frozen meals because they do tend to be higher in sodium but every now and then, its nice to mix it up!

The gym is going well. I went 3 days last week...not the 5 like I had planned but I'm still happy. I went Monday and Tuesday to do cardio. Wednesday I got caught up in running errands after work with Kyle and by the time we were done it was 9:30 so I didn't go then. Thursday was my personal training session...I'll talk more about that in a minute. Friday I skipped because we got over a foot of snow and there was no way I was going to venture out when I didn't have to go to work!

Back to my personal training...it was really good! I really liked the guy I met with. We talked a little about my background and he said he could tell I was enthusiastic. He also said that he was going to push me...and he did!! He showed me how to do the exercises with the dumb bells and cables. He didn't show me the machines because I am familiar and they are pretty self explanatory. He laid out exactly what I should be doing every day and I started yesterday. Though...after training with him on Thursday I was so unbelievably sore! My muscles have NEVER felt like that and I was in pain until Sunday night! I'm still sore and I've come to accept that I probably will continue to be sore for the next few weeks. I do 45 minutes of cardio and then 45 minutes of weights (except on my leg days, I do an hour of cardio).

Yesterday went okay...I did all the exercises but I didn't do as well as I had hoped. He wants me to do 3 sets of 15-20 per exercise. I tried...so hard...but I was at the point when my arms wouldn't lift the weights anymore. My arms were shaking and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do more. I did everything but not nearly 3 sets. It really bummed me out because I want to do this so badly. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself...I have never in my life exercised this much or lifted weights so naturally my body is going to struggle in the beginning. I just desperately want to get in shape.

I get excited going to the gym now and I'm creating the habit of going straight after work. Its hard to adjust to being home and cooking dinner so late but I know it will become natural in time.

Weigh In #40 & #41

Weigh In #40 weight loss: 2.9 lbs

Weight loss this week: 0 lbs

Total weight loss so far: 56.9 lbs

So things have been better...still not amazing but better. I was really happy with my weigh in #40...it was nice to have a large loss after a gain. This week was a little disappointing considering I was pretty good all week. I think my downfall was Sunday. I had almost all my weekly points left and I just hung out at home and snacked. I tracked everything and I was way within my points but I think eating so much the day/night before my weigh in was a bad idea.

On a very positive note, I joined Planet Fitness on Friday evening. I decided to go for it and I found the money because I knew it was necessary for my health and my continued weight loss. I went for the first time tonight and it was really good. I was proud of myself because for the first time, I didn't allow myself to make excuses for myself. I went saying I would do 30 minutes walking on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the elliptical. The first 15 minutes of the treadmill were easy. Then I got on the elliptical and after 15 minutes I thought I was going to die. I started to form excuses in my head but I shut myself down and pushed through the whole 30 minutes. I finished off with a 15 minute walk on the treadmill. It felt great to stick with my plan. I have my personal trainer meeting on Thursday evening and I'm excited to learn how to optimize my gym time and work out my whole body properly. But until then, I plan on repeating the workout I did tonight.

I am pooped and ready for bed but psyched to get moving on this new leg of my journey!

Weigh In #39

Total weight loss this week: +.4lb
Total weight loss so far: 54.1 lbs

So this was a bit of a surprising gain...though I know why it was there. I did really well all week, making sure I got in all my GHG's and even taking my vitamin. Exercising didn't happen but my eating was on track. Well...until Saturday night. We went to Kyle's parents that night for the Broncos/Patriots game. I had two beers (which, as I've learned before, probably contributed more than I like to my weight gain) and consumed a lot of food. I had an unmeasured amount of chips, steak, and potatoes. I tried my best to track everything and it took almost all my weekly points (I had only used 8 of them before then). I did okay on Sunday and had hoped that, with enough water, I would be okay. Unfortunately, I still showed a gain.

I'm still working on feeling like I'm totally back on track. Most days, I feel good...but some days I still feel like I'm slipping. I am just trying to take it a day at a time and remember that this isn't a race but a lifelong change.

I did make a decision to join a gym as soon as I can afford it. I am going to join Planet Fitness...its only $10/month (which is really low for a gym membership) and they pride themselves on being a "judgement free gym". I've read a lot of reviews and I've decided its the best place for me. While some people criticize them for "looking down on" extremely physically fit people, I think I'll feel comfortable in a place where they welcome not-so-fit people such as myself. They don't offer some of the amenities as some of the more expensive gyms (such as group classes or a pool) but I think it is a good start for me. I am not ready for group classes...I'm far to self conscious still. While I would love to do them eventually (I want to do Zumba and yoga), I think that is something I can build up to and when my comfort level is there, I'll find a gym that fits. I really wish I could go and join today but unfortunately I can't afford the fee (its only $40 for the sign up fee and first month but things are REALLY tight right now). I'm praying I can afford it when I get paid...I don't want to wait til my tax refund...but I fear I may have to.

I'm trying to remain positive...trying to remind myself that I'm losing at the best pace for me right now...and things will get better if I just really focus in. I need to stop comparing myself and my progress with others and just focus on the fact that I'm trying to get healthy for myself. I'll get there...

Weigh In #38 (I think)

Total weight loss this week: 2.9lbs
Total weight loss so far: 54.5lbs

So things definitely improved after New Years was over...I got back on track with my eating and staying way within my points. For the first time in awhile I had about half of my weekly points left. Sunday I did get a little out of hand about not counting (and eating ice cream straight from the carton...whoops)...but I was still way within my weeklies and it showed on the scale.

I started back at work yesterday and it was bittersweet. I love my job but 2 weeks of being free to do what I want was wonderful! I'm actually okay with not having a normal summer break because I don't know how I'd handle coming back after 2.5 months off lol. It is nice to be back and getting in a routine again. My sleeping schedule is wacky because I was staying up until 2am with Kyle and sleeping in until 10:30am. But, again, its nice to get back to life.

Exercise is still a battle for me. I didn't get to the gym at all during my vacation...I just got sucked in to the relaxation. I didn't do anything yesterday because I was super exhausted after my first day back to work...I didn't go to bed until way later than normal on Sunday so when my alarm went off on Monday morning, I wanted to throw it across the room. I close on Tuesday nights, so I got home an hour later than I usually am. Kyle had dinner ready so we ate and I watched the Biggest Loser. That show both motivates me and discourages me. It makes me want to exercise but it does discourage me because these people are losing so much weight. I try and remind myself that they have a personal trainer with them 7 days a week and a nutritionist on hand and I don't have anything close to that. I would love to try and get a few sessions with a personal trainer so I could develop an exercise routine. I don't really know what I'm doing in the gym and I know that there is so much more I could be (and should be) doing at the gym other than the elliptical or treadmill. Unfortunately, I just can't afford a personal trainer. I am going to try and look around and see if I could find one for cheap for a few sessions come tax return time...but we'll see. On a positive note, I did at least get on the Wii Fit. I only did it for about 15minutes but its better than nothing. I plan on waking up early to do Zumba on the Wii and Kyle just got me the newest Zumba game so I'm excited to try it out. I've realized that I need to stop making excuses for myself because the longer I do that, the longer I'll be fat.

Here is to a positive week of good food choices and more exercise!

Hellish Holidays

Total weight loss so far: 51.6 lbs
Total weight loss this week: 0 lbs

Okay, so the holidays weren't hellish...but the way I ate was! Man, I was a wreck. I would start out the week trying so hard but by the time Thursday or Friday rolled around, I was a mess!

Christmas weekend, I snacked and ate whatever I wanted. I had made cupcakes and I ate more of those than I should have (and each one was at least 10pts)! I gained about 1.3lbs my weigh in after Christmas. Then I started my winter vacation...two weeks off and I was super psyched. Again, I started the week off okay but as the days went on, it just got worse. Wednesday I went to Greeley and had sushi...lets just say that overindulgence was an understatement. I was out of bonus points by Thursday morning and I knew the week was a bust. I continued to over-indulge all weekend. Between the excessive food and alcohol on New Years Eve, I was out of luck. Luckily, when I weighed in this morning, I didn't gain anything. I think my problem was that I allowed myself to just continue to mess up. I would have a bad meal, then a bad day, and then a bad two days...after that I just stopped trying.

I don't believe in New Year resolutions...I think they are an excuse to put off good choices and they generally fall by the wayside within a month or two. So I am not going to say that me resolution is to get back on track. I am getting back on track because I know its time to and I've had 8 months of steady weight loss that I'm pretty proud of. I am going to get on track with my eating and work on my exercising. I am currently involved in a sort of weight loss competition and I'm hoping that will help boost my motivation a little bit. I know I won't let the holidays derail me completely and I'm excited to start losing again.