Saturday, June 14, 2014

One year...

It has been a year since my last post...and I seem to have lost myself in that year. There have been so many struggles and surprises this year. My life got flipped on its end and it has taken me a very long time to recover.

I have been really up and down with my eating and exercising. Some days I'm on it. I eat well and I even go to the gym. But there have been weeks where I have eaten exactly the way I did when I weighed 300lbs. I have had plenty of excuses and reasons for my behavior and I've had friends and family fall into line with those excuses in the hopes of showing me the love and support I needed so desperately.

I am now in a place where I know I need to get myself in a good place again. Readjusting my mind frame has been difficult. I'll suceed, then make a small mistake or a stupid choice, follow it with an excuse, and repeat the cycle again. I've started to have really negative feelings toward myself again. My body image has worsened and I don't feel confident.

I'm trying so hard to get back on track and to remind myself that I've lost 101 lbs so far. If I can do that, I can lose the last 40 lbs. I can't say exactly what I need to do to fix myself. I don't really know. All I know is that I am going to continue to push and work.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Summer Vacation

Total weight loss so far: 95.5lbs

Once again...I suck at updating my blog...but I figure ya'll can just enjoy my random surprise posts. You don't want to read about my day to day activities...I'm really not that exciting.

Things are nuts right now but its almost all positive! I was offered a 6th grade teaching position and I couldn't be more excited (or unbelievably nervous) about it! I have always wanted to teach and I am finally getting the opportunity! I am currently on a 6 week break and then I start my new job full time on July 29th. I was working 3 jobs for awhile and then its nice to have some time off. I have a lot of preparing to do for the school year and I am trying really hard to get my head on straight about a few things.

I am both thrilled with my weight loss and disappointed that I haven't made it further in the over two years that I've been at this. I am grateful that I have never given up. I am excited that I am so close to having a one at the beginning of my weight instead of a two. I am happy to say that I can no longer wear "plus size" shirts and I can purchase pants at most regular retailers. I started my journey wearing a size 26 jean...I am currently sitting between a size 14 and 16. I am proud that I am doing this in a way that I can live with forever. This is not temporary. This has not been a quick fix.

That being said...I so desperately want to be under 200lbs it almost hurts. I still struggle with making the best choices (though it does get easier as time goes on). I still have not managed to make the gym and exercise a habit. I think the exercise is what angers me the most. I still make excuses. I still find "better" things to do. I am working on it but what I wouldn't give for it to be easy.

But I guess none of this has been easy. There have been happy days, miserable days, hard days, and days that I just gave up. But I know that I won't stop.

My goal for my break (other than prepping for my classroom and trying not to panic about it) is to really focus on healthy choices (not just staying within my points) and really focusing on getting my exercise in check. I know that I can hit my 100lb goal by the time I go back to work if I really push myself!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Hot Mess

I was a HOT MESS last week.

I weighed myself and tracked it in my WW tracker but honestly...I do not want to post it.

All I can say is, I am back on track and moving forward. I hit the gym today and look forward to it the rest of the week.

That is all.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Weigh In 2/18/13

Weight loss this week: 1.1 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 88.7 lbs

I am thrilled that I lost because I struggled this week.

I had two days of over-indulgence...Valentine's Day being absolutely awful. I reverted to fat kid status and heavily indulged in pizza and bread sticks and cinnamon sticks and ice cream. Bad news.

Top that off with only 2 days at the gym...I thought I was done for.

I am hoping that I have a better week. I had a lapse of judgement with some donuts yesterday (I had the day off and...well...bad news bears) but I did well outside of that and today was good too. I am worried about the gym...I didn't go yesterday or today. I will find a way to exercise tomorrow but it may not be the gym (I have book club right after work so it'll depend on what time that ends). I will also make sure I go Thursday and Friday at least.

I really would like to be down 90lbs when I go to California on the 1st. That only leaves me with really one week to hit that...I need to lose 1.3lbs by we'll see what happens. I just think it would be amazing to see my family and tell them that I've lost 90lbs! Last time I saw all of them, I was down 50lbs...almost double that is pretty sweet.

I'm just continuing to push through and work to not allow bad moments to derail me completely.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Weigh In 2/11/13

Weight loss this week: 1.1 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 87.6 lbs

I am super excited that I lost this week. I didn't hit the gym at all with the exception of meeting with the trainer (which didn't really count as exercising so much as designing my plan). I was on point for the most part throughout the week with food and I am thrilled that I continue inching closer to my goal.

I am only 11.5 lbs away from being under 200 lbs and I am so anxious. I am obviously excited...but I am also quite nervous. I honestly have no clue how long its been since I was under 200 lbs. I feel like I'm becoming a totally different person and I am worried people will respond negatively towards that. Which is so silly...because I have THE MOST supportive family and friends out there!!! I think such big changes, even when they are over time, can be scary and I'm starting to feel the effects.

Either way...I am still pushing and still moving forward.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Weigh In 2/4/13

Weight loss this week: 1.8 lbs
Total weight loss so far: 86.5 lbs

I lost...and I'm happy. I hit the gym 3 days last week and did pretty well with eating. I didn't track the party and I know I probably went over on points but thankfully I had the majority of my weeklies left and I was good the rest of the week.

I scheduled an appointment with a personal trainer at my gym for tomorrow night. I have a weight lifting program but I'm really not happy with it. I don't like using weight machines and I'd like to learn some exercises that incorporate weights and toning throughout the whole body. So I'm hopeful that the meeting tomorrow will help push me to incorporate more than just cardio into my routine.

I have had some pretty amazing compliments from people this week. My dad expressed how impressed he is with how much weight I've lost and I've had multiple co-workers and friends comment on the way I look. It reminds me that, while I may not have made it as far as I initially wanted, I have made a lot of progress. I've never given up...I've never walked away. I may have fallen down more times than I can count but I have always gotten back up again. I will continue to push because I know I can do this.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Weigh In 1/28/13

Weight loss this week: +.3lbs
Total weight loss so far: 84.7lbs

"The scale does not define me...the scale does not define me..."

Damn I wanted to lose this week! But I am NOT going to let this define me or my week. I did well with my eating...tracked and ate healthy. I exercised 4 days last week...only 2 days at the gym but walks at night 2 other days. So...instead of letting this minor gain defeat me, I am going to remind myself that I am on a positive path and I acted in a positive manner.

I do have wonder if I am in the middle of a cycle of minor gains then large losses. I won't lie...I am crossing my fingers that I will lose big next week. Because if I look back...I gained .4lbs two weeks ago, then lost 4lbs, then had another small gain this week. So maybe there is a pattern.

I am determined to get in 5 full days of exercise this week. I went for a short walk yesterday because I had a migraine after work. But I hit the gym tonight and I plan on doing so the rest of the week. I did have a slight incident with some homemade cheddar biscuits (damn it, why do I have to be in love with an aspiring cook?!) last night but I am going to stay on point and be extra careful the rest of the week. I am a little nervous for the weekend though. I am meeting a friend for breakfast on Saturday morning and I need to make smart choices and not give in to indulgences. I also am having a party on Saturday night...and parties tend to be difficult for me. Luckily, I'm hosting so I am going to make sure that the snacks and appetizers I prepare are healthy and countable...I just have to watch the wine and the grazing.

Overall, I'm proud of myself for staying on track the last few weeks. I know I will continue on this positive path and only continue to work harder.